The relationships we have with family and friends are generally the ones we value the most. They are an important part of the life of each of us. However, there is one relationship that I feel is even more important, that governs all the others - and that is the relationship you have with yourself.

Now, I say this because every day of your life you send yourself thousands of mental messages that determine how you evaluate your own worth. The evaluation you make of your worth is what determines your level of self-esteem. Of course, the messages we receive… >>>

Do you know what it means to "ruminate?" Cows do it all the time. You see, when cows ruminate, they are chewing their cud, a repetitive process that is necessary to a cow's well being. However, if you are a human being, rumination on the negative can hurt instead of help you.

You see, when you ruminate, you are preoccupied with rehashing perceived or real problems over and over again. You don't really resolve anything, but you become an expert at working yourself into a state of high stress that can sometimes lead to a downward spiral. After a while,… >>>

It has been said that people can get used to almost anything. I believe this to be true, especially if it happens gradually over time. When you get used to things being a certain way, you develop what we call a "comfort zone," which is pretty much just what it sounds like. Adaptability can be a good thing, but not always.

If you are used to cleaning up your house every day because you like things neat and tidy, you will be uncomfortable when the sink is full of dishes. You will experience tension until you restore order. 

On the… >>>

What's the difference between being yourself and being your best self? At a seminar where I was teaching last month, a young woman came up to me at the break and asked me an important question. "All the psychology and self-improvement books are always telling us that we should just be ourselves," she said. "But I get confused sometimes because I can be so many different ways. How do I know which self I should try to be?"

You know, she was making a good point. All of us have many possible selves. Some parts of our personalities are active… >>>

Have you ever thought about the difference between efficiency and effectiveness? They both sound good, but I believe one is far better. Most businesses want to run an efficient operation, and spend a lot of time and energy trying to get there. But it is equally, if not more, important to make your business effective.

Efficiency means doing things with a minimum of effort - low input for high output. In other words, efficiency means doing things right. But what things? A very important question! You see, effectiveness is doing the right things right, and that is what you want… >>>

What if there were two little words that could help you unlock your imagination, allowing you to create the kind of future you would most like to have? What if these two words could boost your creativity, improve your decision-making power, and move you steadily toward a future that will give you what you want in life?

And what if I give you a little hint: You've already seen these two words not once, not twice, but three times in the past few seconds. Well, those two words are "what if," and they are every bit as powerful as I… >>>

You have probably heard something similar to, "Live each day to the fullest, because you never know what tomorrow may bring." Like all sage offerings, there is an element of truth involved here.

For a lot of us, we take the days of our lives for granted. The years go swirling past in a rush of things to do, places to see, and dreams to fulfill. We work diligently, raise our families, and try to measure up to our own - or someone else's - definition of success. For some of us, we put our heads down, shoulder to the… >>>

Often, as I teach the concepts of applied cognitive psychology, the reaction from some folks will be, "Lou, you spend a lot of time talking about 'me' instead of what each of us can do outside of ourselves. It's starting to sound a little selfish." This is true, to a point. Once more, I have dug into my message folder, to respond to this question and comment:

"The example that you gave seems to indicate that life is more worth living if you first change your attitude to a positive instead of hanging on to a negative, rebellious or resistive… >>>

You have probably noticed that, so far this week, I am responding to messages left for me, usually in connection to a past WCN email. I confess. Some of these responses have been sitting on my desk for a while, waiting for my response. A few have been easy, while some have taken a little more thought.

I had written a few messages about "beliefs" which caused a reader to send this message back:

"If you're not happy with yourself or self-image, are you talking about changing your character that you portray? Is it possible to change your knowing self--the… >>>

Reading the newspaper, or listening to the news on television or radio, is an exercise in strength - inner strength. "Unemployment Figures Up Again."  "Real Estate Sales Down: Harbinger for the Future."  "Economic Recovery Stalled."  Sometimes, the only way to keep a smile on your face is to quit listening, watching and reading!

Of course, shutting off all outside information is one way to control your mood. However, becoming un-informed about the world around us, on purpose, can be self-defeating. We need to understand this ever-changing world around us, in order to prepare ourselves for the future.

So, what do… >>>

I received an email from a seminar participant last week, and it got me thinking about how much our own behavior affects those around us - sometimes without us ever knowing. Quoting part of the email:

"For a very long time I have been struggling with how to talk to my son, who is now 8 years old.  Despite being a great kid, he has a very negative self image and is an unforgiving perfectionist.   In the past my reaction to some of his behavior has been very negative and deconstructive and usually leads to outbursts and very negative self… >>>

When times get tough, some people fold and some are made even stronger. Did you ever wonder why some people seem to be able to handle life better than others? Everyone likes to think that they have what it takes to survive adversity and tough times, but when the chips are down, some folks definitely do better than others.

The real survivors in life (not the participants in the recent glut of "reality" survivor TV shows, that only seem to bring out the worst in human behavior) have developed personalities that allow them more options. They also have a strong… >>>

Have you ever heard of "either/or" thinking? It's a dangerous, but common, mistake many of us have been conditioned to make.  

"Either/or" thinking, or black and white thinking as it is sometimes called, is basically just what it sounds like. Either/or thinkers don't see shades of gray. They want easy answers to difficult questions, so they see life in terms of winners and losers, good guys and bad guys, success or failure, right and wrong.

But they fail to realize that right and wrong often depend on time, place, culture and purpose, among other things. They also fail to understand… >>>

Have you ever had an IQ test - a so-called "intelligence" test? Do you know how well you did? That test may have done you more harm than good, and today I'll tell you why.

Here in the U.S., most everyone knows what an IQ test is. Many of us probably had one while we were in school. However, these tests can be dangerous, and here is why I think so.  

First of all, no one really knows what "intelligence" is, and these IQ tests really measure knowledge, which is a far different thing. Second, people are classified on the… >>>

Many people look forward to retirement, but not everyone finds it pleasant when it finally arrives. How can you make the most out of your so-called "golden" years?

Retirement is a time that some people look forward to and others almost dread. One thing is certain, though, retirement is a time of life that produces many changes - and some of them you might not expect.  

For example, John Mosedale, author of "The First Year, A Retirement Journal" points out that not having a job any longer can mean a loss of self-esteem and a lessened sense of worth -… >>>

How do you close the gap between the reality you are living in now and the life you want for yourself in the future? The life you are living right now is not the one you want to live. You could do and be so much more, and you know this. However, somehow things just never seem to change much for you.

Does this sound familiar? Are you or someone you are close to trapped in a life you don't want, feeling stuck and unable to move? Let me make a suggestion. Why don't you try imagining the future you… >>>

Many people are afraid of failure, but do you know anyone who is afraid of success? Today, let's talk about this all too common problem. But first, ask yourself, "Am I afraid of success?"

Even if your first instinct is, "No, of course not!" think about it. Abraham Maslow, one of the great psychologists, called it a "Jonah Complex," because Jonah chose to turn away from the great things God had planned for him. The Bible tells us that Jonah eventually found himself eaten by a whale, but most people who fear success find themselves consumed by regrets for things… >>>

What do you believe is possible for you in your life - in your job, with your family and friends, financially, intellectually, emotionally? This is a very important question, so think about your answer for a moment.

These days more and more doctors, psychologists, researchers and many others are beginning to realize that what we achieve and become in life has as much, or more, to do with our beliefs as anything else. Sure, there are some limits. As far as we know, we can't time-travel or live forever, and we can't change things like how tall we are or… >>>

How confident are you that the decisions you make are good ones? What do you do if you are not sure? Today, let's talk about making decisions.

Have you ever watched someone throw good money after bad? Maybe it's their car - one expensive thing after another breaks down, but they just keep shelling out the cash to fix it. When you ask why they don't get rid of it and buy another, they tell you about all the money they've spent to repair it and keep it running.  

It seems to be human nature that when we make a… >>>

Does being alone have to mean loneliness? I don't think so. In fact, I think we all could use a certain amount of solitude. How much time do you spend alone, and how do you use this solitude?

If you live with others, time alone may sometimes seem like a precious commodity. However, it is important that you arrange to have some time alone, now and then. Not just a few minutes or hours, either, but a significant chunk of time you can call your own.

If you live alone, you may feel isolated and lonely. Perhaps you try to… >>>