Is EQ Really Coachable?
It is my humble opinion, our ability to identify and manage our own and others’ emotions is fairly stable over time, influenced by our early childhood experiences and even genetics. That does not mean we cannot change it, but, realistically, long-term improvements will require a great deal of dedication and guidance.
Everyone can change, but few people are seriously willing to try. Think about the worst boss you ever had — how long would it take him to start coming across as more considerate, sociable, calm or positive? And that’s the easier part — changing one’s reputation. It is even harder to change one’s internal EQ; in other words, you might still feel stressed out or angry on the inside, even if you manage not to show those emotions on the outside.
The bottom line is that some people are just naturally more grumpy, shy, self-centered or insecure, while other people are blessed with natural positivity, composure, and people-skills. However, no human behavior is unchangeable. One good piece of news, from my experience I have found that EQ tends to increase with age, even without deliberate interventions.
Even the best coach and coaching methods will fail with certain people (just imagine trying to coach one of Danny DeVito’s characters). There is an old joke about how many psychologists it takes to change a light bulb. Just one — so long as the light bulb wants to change. On the one hand, EQ may enhance coachabilty — people with better people skills, more empathy, and greater self-awareness are better equipped to improve. On the other hand, if you are sensitive to criticism, insecure, and worry about failure (all characteristics of people with a lower EQ) you should be more willing to change; but, it has been my experience that they do not have the desire.
Hi Steve,
Thanks for your interesting question regarding the ability to coach another on Emotional Intelligence. The concept that an individuals predisposition is a determinate factor in their emotional intelligence is one that has been highly discussed within organizational, professional and psychological literature. Training or coaching in emotional intelligence can not be altered in an individual until the recognition of their EI is assessed. The individual assessment with the use of such metrics as EQi can be use to determine the deficits or high levels of EI. The metrics are then used in a multitude of ways organizationally, most specifically to determine the person-organization fit of the individual within the organization.
Emotional intelligence should be integrated more into all curriculum and because this was not the case 20 years ago, the need for employees to identify their interpersonal or "hot skills" is essential. The hot skills are not only vital to the forging of their personal relations but to the team building, interoffice and external relations, problem solving and conflict management.
Therefore, you can lead a horse to water but you can make him drink can be loosely correlated to EI training, however if the horse is thirsty he will drink. If the employee is lacking skills that the employer needs the change is not a choice if they want to be an integral part of the organizations fibers. EQ or EI is just a method of identification to harness the ability to control emotions and connect with others more beneficently.
I chose this training because over the past week I have been in several "soft" skill failure situations. Some I handled well and some not so well. In retrospect, I found that when I am refreshed and physically up for the day my ability to refer to the soft skills I've learned over my years came into play and I was able to turn situations from negative to positive. However, when I was exhausted, distracted or just emotionally drained, I made the situation worse. So I agree in that soft skills and EQ are coachable, I also agree that as humans we at times just can't dig into that bag of skills and use them as we wish we had. Sometimes the best thing we can do is withdraw and ask for help.
I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes we may think that we are able to handle a situation but when we add in our own underlying factors such as stress or being tired, we handle the situation not as we thought we did. It is a good idea to take a step back and analyze what we did and how we can do better in the future.
In reflecting, I find that maybe my tone of voice or body language gave away my internal aggravation or frustration that I thought I'd hidden. Thank goodness for "back-ups" who can intercede and help smooth the situation.
Miriam,
Finding yourself and what you portray is sometimes hard to see. Body language can be tough to hide, and many times is a giveaway. Keep working on it and coaching yourself.
Philip Campbell
So true. For me it's not body language as it is tone in my voice. I have a normally edgy voice and sometimes it sounds like I'm being critical when I'm just commenting. I am a work in progress and will be until I retire! Thanks for the encouragement.
Miriam,
More people will remember tone and words associated with it more than just the words. So keep using those inflections in class with spots of encouragement and your message will get through.
Philip Campbell
I find a similar trait within myself, in that I often appear to others to be sarcastic, when I'm attempting to be serious. In those times where appropriate (or where sarcasm isn't welcome) I begin by specifying that I'm saying the following with sincerity, and that it's not a joking matter.
